FOX STRENGTH (The FINALE.)

[[Here it is. The final chapter. The ninja and Michael FINALLY FACE DOWN TIGER ZORG (known as the tiger Egyptian bad guy), as well as COBRAS, TALKING KNIVES, and the PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF AN REM SONG. And the biggest news? THEY NEVER VISIT EGYPT DURING ANY OF IT.]]


One time, the Karate ninja was the only one home. And Michael was there too.

RULE 1 OF WRITING: Be concise, specific, and clear.

The Karate ninja and Michael said "I'm gettin' bored, ah wish there was somethin' to do."

Man, what're the chances they'd BOTH channel the same hillbilly ghost?

But then the whole place stirred. It was a tornado! But not your usual tornado, it was the white tornado. and here's the song of the white tornado, everybody!

[!NOTE! What follows is the ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT of my grandmother attempting to interpret a six-year-old me singing THIS SONG: ]

 

DADIDLEDEEDEE, DANING, DADDIDDLELEE, DEET, DEET

The white tornado was attacking them really good. The karate ninja and Michael, they couldn't stop it. So, they tried to make it stop, but they failed. So they went outside and found lots of bad guys. Robot bad guys.

This is what Oklahoma looked like after the November 7th tornado this year.

The karate ninja and Michael had to destroy them. But there was this big robot bad guy. And he shot fire balls. He had no hands, just legs, and he had a gun in his mouth!

"I know you have no hands, robot...but you still have a lot to live for!"

And his fire balls, they bounced off every surface and it was really hard to blast the fireballs and stop em! But Michael shot him with one blast from his plasma gun and POOF! He was gone!

...okay, so one blast doesn't sound really hard, I know. But you know what? I don't see you fighting robots with plasma guns.

They were trying to find out what started the whole storm, and when they got to the bad guy castle they found  where the storm was being cast out of. They found out who cast the spell. And you know what did it? A white clear ball cast the whole storm.

PICTURED: The ORB OF GLOBAL WARMING.

It had tough magic. It was so hard for the karate ninja and Michael to fight them. Then, there were also cobra snakes. and then, the tiger Egyptian bad guy showed up. His name was TIGER ZORG.

TIGER ZORG: Billionaire, oil tycoon, and champion racquetball player.

The TIGER ZORG had a sword, named Sheba, and when the TIGER ZORG faced the bottom of the handle of the sword Sheba could talk. And it could guide him.

"CRUSH THEM WITH THE INFINITE BLADE TECHNIQUE. Also, pick up some milk on the way home from work."

With that sword, TIGER ZORG would be impossible to stop. Because that sword had the strongest guide.

PICTURED: Not the strongest guide.

But when the Karate ninja used both of their weapons, they were really strong. Michael shot with his plasma cannon and the karate ninja threw an object.

AN OBJECT!!!!!!!

The karate ninja threw the ball, which you could use over and over again.

The karate ninja's hidden technique stems from his company softball team.

They defeated the cobra snakes and then they broke TIGER ZORG in half! Then they went home. But then they found this little basket with a cobra inside. Just a small cobra. but they didn't know there was a cobra, so they tried to pick it up. But then, the cobra came out and got them. They used their weapons against the cobra, and they managed to get it. It was a baby cobra, but really tough. It was the strongest baby cobra.

YEARS of cobra genetic engineering and research, WASTED!

So they fought TIGER ZORG and destroyed his white clear ball. He said "NOOOOO" and got destroyed. and they beat him.

And thus ended EVERY PROBLEM.

Then they went back home and opened presents.

That's THE END.

This is [NAME REDACTED] signing off. Goodnight.

[[BEHIND THE SCENES: The "ball" is actually a weapon from a game called Titus the fox, which my stepfather and I played through together when we lived in Seattle. It was as badass as it sounds. Sadly, the company behind it went under in the last few years. RIP my childhood.

So, here ends the Karate Ninja's story. I've run out of old tales to retell. Will the Karate Ninja ever come back? Did Michael overcome alcoholism? What the fuck happened to all those cats? And why did Megaman sell out to THE MAN so hard? Perhaps, in time, these questions will be answered. For now however, the story is over.

This is [Name Redacted] signing off. Goodnight.]]

FOX DOME (Neither foxes nor domes are in this story)

[[The numbers don't lie: if it ain't 850, it ain't killin' anything.]]


One time, the Karate Ninja and the cats were inside eating chocolate cake. The smartest cat took one bite, and he liked it.

Rare post-adventure CAKE TIME footage.

But then, the smartest cat fell asleep. But he did eat the whole piece first.

That would've been WASTEFUL, otherwise.

And everybody else fell asleep too except Michael. Michael and the Karate ninja had to do something about this.

I have to admit, were I in opposition with this group, drugging the cake would be a brilliant strategy...

So they went outside with toy swords and metal and steel bats.

The toy swords are to give the enemy a sporting chance.

They were looking for who did this. They didn't know, but they were going to find out. So just stay there and listen, and relax.

Christ, relax some. I'm getting to it. Just have some fucking patience.

Then they found a bird monster that shoots feather shaped darts and missiles.

Dynablade was SO DIFFICULT for me at age six that I literally believed it capable of slipping date-rape drugs into a ninja's cake.

They just morphed into action. They asked the monster if it did this. It said "yes".

"What a polite, straight-forward bird monster!"

And when it said yes, they were loaded into action. They got out their poison sack guns, and they were going to fight that monster once and for all. And that was really good.

Gangsters in Compton hold their poison sack guns sideways.

They did a good shot with their poison sack guns, and they were really, really in the power team.

EXTREEEEEEEEME MEMBERSHIP CARD!

The power team was always powerful. and none can stand in their way. Especially a monster. and they had a target, which was the monster.

Do you see where this is going?

And they were so good at shooting, they combined their poison sack guns together and launched missiles with poison in it. And there are black stripes on the missiles to show you that it's poison.

PICTURED ABOVE: Improperly labelled poison missiles.

And then, everybody woke up when the monster was still fighting.And then, they all fought the monster, with poison sack...they combined them, and (it should be noted that this point of the story was too awesome for 6-year-old me to make proper words)...an EIGHT-HUNDRED AND FIFTY POISON SACK GUN.

MOTHER. OF. FUCK.

And they destroyed the monster, went back in, ate more cake, and had a good time.

The cake, by the way, was still full of roofies.

THE END.

[[I'd like to think in some evil factory, there's a PowerPoint presentation, penned by one B. Monster, that looks something like this: 

1. Slip roofies into enemy cakes.

2. Steal shoes while they sleep.

3. Slip out unnoticed before they all wake up in 10 minutes.

...anyway, last story ever comes tomorrow. WILL the karate ninja and his best friend FINALLY DEFEAT THE TIGER EGYPTIAN BADGUY?]]

THE GREEN SHOES

[Pay attention to the shoes.]


One time the Karate ninja and his friend Michael were making armor. Real armor. And it was really strong.

Hard-as-balls, level 60 smithing armor. None of this LARP bullshit.

It took a lot of work, but they got it finished. And then they made starmetal swords and starmetal shields, too, with pictures of eagles on them.

American as FUCK.

And the eagles would come to life. When they pointed the shields out and they said "EAGLE! COME OUT! PLEASE!!! I AWAIT ON YOU!"

Remember the 'please' part. Eagles love that manners shit.

The eagles would fight, and carry messages. So, Michael and the Ninja went to foggy Egypt, and went inside a pyramid, but it wasn't very good. Because it wasn't very pleasant.

"I rate this pyramid a 4 out of 10. Seriously, mummies? No room service? Someone dropped the ball here."

They saw the tiger Egyptian bad guy. But then, all of a sudden, the cats showed up! The smartest cat, the fastest cat, all of the cats, even the cat with green shoes!

That cat is fly as hell.

So, they all put on armor, because they had made extras. So they shot out all the eagles and they picked the tiger Egyptian bad guy up and the smartest cat's girlfriend came along and kicked him. And she had a sword and armor too.

"I hope you brought enough armor for the whole class. Oh, you did? Carry on, then."

So they got all their eagles together and fought the bad guy and he blew up.

FUN FACT: Egypt is 20% C4.

And then they all went home. Dropped their swords and dropped their shields, ate cake, opened presents and had a good time. This is [NAME REDACTED] signing off.

GOODBYE.

[God bless ninja America.]

FOX MASTER

[You motherfuckers don't understand. Karate Ninja MASTERED FOXES. HE MASTERED THEM.]


One time, The Karate ninja and the smartest cat and his girlfriend and mega man were inside doing fun stuff. They were playing card games, they were playing go fish, they were watching mega man and the smartest cat play basketball, and they really liked what they were doing a lot.

"Man, I am really enjoying these things we're doing a ton. Basketball is totally better than fighting robot masters or crime syndicates. I can't believe I waited so long to TRY this!"

But one day the smartest cat's girlfriend stopped smiling. She felt bad. She felt really sick. She didn't like it at all.

As opposed to that time she caught chronic party syndrome. Everyone fucking LOVED that.

Then mega man said "Let's get all this medicine to this sickness. I hate this."

Actual Disturbed lyrics.

So they went out. Everyone but the smartest cat's girlfriend went out. So mega man, the Karate ninja, and the smartest cat went out.

"So we're all clear on who went out, right?"

"I know who is in the lead", mega man said. "Sonic the hedgehog is in the lead. Because he is so fast. And he is strong. He should annoy the bad guys!"

"The fuck did you even COME FROM, man? Look, I'll say the fast and strong shit, just gimme my hat back."

So they went to this pyramid in foggy Egypt. It is like Egypt and it is foggy. And the bad guys are so hard to see, because it is so foggy. 

PICTURED: Pyramids and fog.

I don't know what will happen yet, so hold onto your hats, otherwise they will blow away!

NO! It's supposed to be a BAD THING!

They went into the ancient pyramid the bad guys were really, really guarding.

The place has to be exclusive if they're not letting megaman in.

They had a new guard, called robo man. But sonic was too fast for him. So they they fought monsters, putties and scuds. And the new guard. They fought him too.

PICTURED: My assumption that 'Scuds' means Foggy Egypt's ICBM capabilities. Also, ROBO MAN? Dr. Wily is running out of ideas. I mean, they fight him as an AFTERTHOUGHT.

That moment, they destroyed everything. They got the cure for the sickness. They gave the medicine to the smartest cat's girlfriend and she felt better.

"That moment, EVERYTHING CHANGED..."

And they had a party and ate cake and opened presents and that's 

THE END

[I'm pretty sure this story was more about megaman than the Karate Ninja. Still, when I was six I'm pretty sure this was the most AWESOME SHIT EVER to me.]

Karate ninja teaser

More content is on the way tonight. Here's a teaser:

MARIO AND THE NINJA

[[Due to a previous threat of MEGALAWSUIT from Nintendo of America, this story did not make it into Hailfire continues. However, after talking with Big Shiggy (s'cool if I call you Big Shiggy, right?) I'm pretty sure it'll just be a regular lawsuit by the end of things. Watch, as our favorite ninja takes drugs and does some home improvement shopping.]]

One time, Mario and the Ninja were running along an apartment building and they didn't get hit by any of those little pink bad guy circles that were flying around in circles.

The karate ninja denies all allegations of intentionally-induced psychedelia. Plus, he was just holding it for a friend.

But they couldn't have jumped on the apartment complex. they shouldn't jump on the stairs because it's very dangerous, and you might die. So they just walked up the stairs.

Seriously, just be careful on the stairs.

And then, Mario jumped on the little pink bad guy circles and threw gold at them and that killed them all.

Tripping balls is like a werewolf. You need a weapon made out of precious metals in order to kill it.

And then they found the apartment building at the bottom of the apartment building complex.

...

Then, they went to the department store and bought some bubble gum that was safe to swallow.

...!!!

And then they went to the hardware store and bought a potty because the old one did not work. The new potty was pink and the old one was black. And then they went back to their apartment building home.

Pink CIRCLES, pink TOILET...it ALL MAKES SENSE, MAN! And I think the Grateful Dead is an OKAY BAND!

And then they went to bed and said 'goodnight', and when they woke up they were in Final Fantasy Way.

When you think about it, final Fantasy Way has to be Thailand. I mean, the men are women and the women are underage.

Mario found the Ninja's ruby on the floor, and picked it up. The ruby was Mario's and he gave the Ninja his diamond back. And he watched it sparkle and it was his forever.

"Not QUITE as good a reward as cake, but it'll do."

THE END.

[[So wait. He found the diamond here...and in the FIRST story, he repeated this fact in order to do...something. UNINTENTIONAL PREQUELS = BEST PREQUELS. Stay tuned for FOX MASTER, the GREEN SHOES, FOX DOME, FOX STRENGTH, and..uh...wow, a lot of these titles have 'Fox' in them. Either Rupert Murdoch has a mind-control ray locked on me in the past, or my fixation of kitsune raver chicks started far too early to be healthy.]]